$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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