the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
