they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
