i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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