I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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