Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
