his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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