Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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