I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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