i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
