dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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