Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
