I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
