oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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