I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
