Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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