is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
