I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
