I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
