Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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