i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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