So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
