Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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