FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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