I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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