how can u be prego again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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