I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
