fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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