the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
