We named our party play list daddy issues
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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