I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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