Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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