Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
