i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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