i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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