Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
