lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
