we're chasing vodka with high fives
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
