this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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