Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's blow job season.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
