My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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