once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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