it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
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