I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
