I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you had me at cake vodka
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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