I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
