You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
