You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
