how can u be prego again
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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