i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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