After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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