I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
