He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
