Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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