If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
