i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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