Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
