Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His hands were made for my vagina.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
