mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My vagina just recognized that song.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
