Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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