So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
